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Sep. 19th, 2016 @ 06:19 am Things are better
Update on the life of bill anzalone! (im durnk forgive me)

Well, I live in Nashua now, in royal crest in a 2 bedroom apartment with bri now. We are on our own. Things are tight sometimes, but for the most part we live comfortably. This is because she is an RN and makes the bacon. As for myself? I'm a direct care worker in a residential group home for people iwth developmental disabilities for the state of Massachusetts. That means I wipe asses and get bit and restrain special needs people. The money is about as good as when i was debt collection, but the benefits are why i do it. Health is groat, dental and vision, but they are also paying for my school. Yup! After years of talking about it, I'm in college again! I'm in a human services degree program right now, and it's going well. Did 2 classes my first semester, and got A's in both. Now I'm trying 3 classes, but it's noticeably harder. I have faith i can do it though. Bri is kind of stressing over her job and school, and the added stress of not being a rich kid anymore I feel is getting to her. I do my best to try to ease her into it, cooking and cleaning etc, but sometimes i feel like she is taking my kindness for granted. She probably is, but at the same time she didn't lived the life i lead, so I understand that she isn't going to have the same fortitude that I do. But she has more fortitude in other ways. I respect the fuck out of her job and how she's stuck with it.

we recently went through a bit of a rough patch, but then spent 3 nights in a yurt in the woods of Maine. I know she was kind of just OK with it, but for me it was one of the greatest 4 days of my life. I sometimes tell her now is the happiest time of my life, and I'm honestly sincere in it. I feel bad though, I feel like this is one of the most challenging times of her life, and for me it's the happiest. But I also have faith that she can persevere and wait for me to get my degree and I can make the bacon too.

We have a cat and a dog. The cat is name Prince Charming and he's a Maine coon and fat as fuck like me. (and bri but i love it on her :p) A newcomer, Koromaru, is a Puggle puppy we got from a shelter. Bri didn't like him at first but I think he's growing on her. He's pretty awesome to me though, and I love him. My car is still chugging along, even though there's a giant dent in my car door because I flipped some dude off cutting me off in traffic and he followed me into a parking lot and kicked my door in. That sucked.

My job is stressful some days, we have people who are nuisances and who use negative attention as a substitute for any attention. That sucks, Sometimes I'm playing catch and bringing them to the store though,and that's cool. I think I'm a very good fit for the job, I have patience and street smarts and know how to deal with awkward situations. There's plenty of them when I take the individuals (that's what we call them) out into the community.

I even have more of a social life than I ever have had. My friend Steve from high school and I have reconnected and we hang out around once a week. It's very nice to have and I feel like he gets me, and my idiosyncrasies.

I don't play street fighter as much but maybe that's for the best.

Until next time! I hope I can make an even more positive entry! (jinxed myself oh god )
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Mar. 24th, 2015 @ 08:56 am Ehhh things are looking up
Work in another hotel, it's a better job with better hours. I work third shift so It's quiet and nice. I have a car again finally, and I'm making a real effort and push at the gym so I've got that going for me. I've also quit snus, so that habit is gone as well. Not drinking as much either, so yeah things are looking up. Hell, Bri and I do shit way more than we used to now too, like conventions and going to fairs and shit, going out to bars for st paddys day, It's pretty good. My life still sucks and i'm a miserable waste of a person who failed to live up to any of his potential, but the arrow is pointing up at least,
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Nov. 29th, 2014 @ 08:11 am spo drunk
i love bri so mcuh she is the only thing good in my world im so fucking awful and shitty and i hate life but i lvoe her
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Jul. 6th, 2014 @ 08:04 am Im drunk as fuck
So been another year, what's new in bill anzalone's world?

Well i've been working in a hotel for over a year now, middling through life. Still with bri, she's gained some weight and hates it but i'm a chuibby chaser and love it. Life sucks, and i get drunk every night/day to deal with how much it sucks. I haven't talked to my mom in like a year and i'm fucking dumb and lame now. cool bean s
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Apr. 15th, 2013 @ 04:59 am (no subject)
Hey William, I'm not sorry I moved to las vegas, I love my life here. What you need to do is stop thinking how awful a mother I am and start thinking about bettering your life. we all have to take care of ourselves. especially as grown ups. I pray for you and I wish the best for you. I cannot be a part of your life until you stop feeling sorry for yourself and take some responsibilty for your situation. The hatred you feel for me is unfounded. I moved to another state when you were fourteen, just like thousands of other divorced parents do. I have no guilt for trying to better my life. I've worked very hard for a long time to be able to be settled and happy. You really need to forget about poor William who's mommy left him when he was thirteen. I didn't abandon you.Just go on with your life and get some help with your mommy issues. if there ever comes a time when you can move forward from your skewed view of your past and want to have a normal mother and son relationship let me know, otherwise find something else to blame your problems on. love Your mother

How fucking dare you. You vile fucking bitch. You're praying for me? You better hope hell doesn't exist, because if it does you're fucked.

I can't believe how condescending you are. Like fuck man, how can you be so ambivalent about it all? How are you so heartless, careless, thoughtless and cruel? Uncaring about my feelings? How can you be such an awful person? It doesn't fucking make sense. Why do you say such awful mean vile things? Is it because you really did move to las vegas and were happy to be rid of "spoiled bratty selfish" me? You say I wanted you to drive me everywhere, what the fuck was everywhere? School, lessons, and practice? Things most parents push on their kids, I wanted to be active on my own, and you did nothing but stifle that? The fuck was wrong with you? "We're not football type people" "college is for privileged kids only" "drop out of highschool and get a normal job at mcdonalds".

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU SAY THESE THINGS TO YOUR SON?? DID YOU NEVER HAVE ANY BELIEF IN ME OR MY ABILITIES? DID YOU THINK I WAS NOTHING? FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING SICK FUCKED UP BITCH. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD TO ME. ALL OF YOU. YOU'RE ALL FUCKING SCUM. YOU ARE BENEATH ME. I DON'T NEED YOUR FUCKING APPROVAL OR FOR YOU TO SAY SORRY ANY MORE, BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST A SELFISH VILE BITCH AND YOU DID WHAT SELFISH VILE BITCHES DO. FUCK YOU BURN IN HELL. I RE WRIT HISTORY???? YOU FUCKING STOLE CHILD SUPPORT MONEY FROM MY DAD FOR A YEAR! THAT IS WHITE TRASH SCUMBAG SHIT, WHICH IS TO BE EXPECTED FROM A WHITE TRASH SCUMBAG. YOU DID NOTHING FOR ME IN ALL THE TROUBLES I WENT THROUGH GROWING UP. YOU LET ME LIVE WITH STRANGERS. WHEN I ASKED YOU FOR A LITTLE SUPPORT AS I WAS HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN IN THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT, BECAUSE I HAD TO WORK 40 HOURS TO AFFORD A PLACE TO LIVE IN WHILE I WAS WAITING FOR THE CHILD AND FUCKING FAMILY SERVICES HOUSE TO APPROVE MY APPLICATION, YOU TOLD ME TO GIVE UP. DON'T GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL. THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM? I NEEDED YOU TO SIGN A LETTER STATING YOU WERE MY MOTHER SO I COULD GO TO UNLV, AND WHAT DO YOU DO? TELL ME IT'S TOO DANGEROUS OUT THERE, AND OTHER BS, WHEN REALLY YOU JUST CAN'T STAND THE THOUGHT OF ME SUCCEEDING, BECAUSE OF YOUR JEALOUS SPITEFUL NATURE? WELL FUCK YOU. WHEN I'M SITUATED WITH A GOOD PAYING JOB THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE, HAPPY AND GREAT, IT WILL BE IN SPITE OF YOU. I WILL HAVE OVERCOME THE SHIT YOU PUT ME THROUGH, THE SHIT YOU DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT.

Remember all those concerts I was in? When I played in the Spartan drum and bugle corps? When I was int he New Hampshire Philharmonic? First in the state scores at All State? Jazz All State? Remember Manchester Choral Society, the multiple theater shows I played in? No, you don't. Because you decided against being in my life. You didn't give a fuck. I had a talent and a gift and you could give a fuck. The fuck can you do? Nothing. You're nothing. Your a bland white trash piece of shit who resented me for not being a boring scumbag like you. You're the fucking worst. I can't even believe you would say I was selfish for wanting you to "drive me everywhere", The fuck kind of warped, sick fucked up perspective do you have, where your son playing sports and music is a bad thing, because you might have to drive a little bit? And you call ME selfish? Like, It's so fucked up. It's like something out of fiction, that you can just blatatently and unsarcastically say that a 12 or 13 year old kid is selfish for wanting his mom to drive him to a violin lesson that he actively wants to be a part of. The fuck kind of life is Evan going to have? Are you going to leave him too? When he's 14, and if things don't work out with Chris, are you going to say fuck it, leave him, make him have to choose between his mother and father, and then blame him for it his entire life? Because your track record says you will. Your track record says you're a filthy piece of trash. You're scum. You're pathetic. You're a fucking monster.

And it's not just me either. The Burkes, Bains, Blackers, Lynn, The state of NH, Mr Hunter, Mr Adams, all had to pick up the slack because you couldn't be bothered.Who put me through drivers ED? Who allowed me to continue in music? Who drove me to school? Who brought me to football and baseball practice? Not my mother, that's for sure. Because your priorities are fucked up I had to rely on them. And they helped me out. . Do you know why? If I was the spoiled, bratty person you say I am, why would they help me? Because I'm not. They all saw potential in me, all saw me for what I could do. But not you. You, who always told me to aim low, to not achieve, you who selfishly and jealously told me not to do anything with my life. You are the fucking worst. Words can't even begin to express who fucking cold you are. There simply isn't any way to convey it. But when you fucking tell me I was the selfish one, that I am the one with the problem, and that you don't care and would do it all over again knowing full well the consequences, why the fuck did you even have me? Why the fuck didn't you just get out of my life sooner then so I would have never met you. The fuck good are you? You're a fucking piece of shit.
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Apr. 14th, 2013 @ 06:24 am (no subject)
Do you remember? That night that was supposed to be our last night together? You couldn't handle it. I was crying and begging you please don't leave. You told me I was being selfish, and credulous. You told me to grow up. You left me at my dads house that night, crying. You didn't care. You would rather not think about it. I think about it all the time. How dare you, How fucking dare you.

You tell me its been 8 years, get over it. Last year you told me it's been 7 years, get over it. 5 years ago you tell me it's been 3 years, get over it. 7 years ago you tell me it;s been a year, get over it. When it happened, you told me I was being ridiculous, get over it. I'm not over it because I care. Clearly, you don't. Whether out of denial, not being able to deal mentally with what you did, or if you truly are that heartless an cruel, you don't care. You don't care that I care. You don't care about me. You have your new family, I'm the old life that you ran away from to be happy. That's fine. I hope you're happy, because I'm not.

I can understand though. Why you would try to just not think about it, convince yourself it wasn't a big deal. I'm never going to get the true, sincere apology from you, I know that now. You don't have it in you. You don't have the fortitude to tell yourself that what you did was wrong, selfish, cruel, and awful. You don't have it in you to admit you were wrong. I've given up on waiting for that moment, when you realize just what you did. That's fine.

I'm done with you. I'm fucking done. Go, be happy with your life, because no matter how much I try, you have no remorse and no love for me. I am an annoyance to you, something that reminds you of your previous failures. I'm your failure. Well no more. I'm finally giving you the peace you want. You're the type of mother who tells her son "well then maybe you shouldn't call me anymore". Fine, I won't. So go ahead, work grandpa against me too, on your side. Don't think I don't know. He doesn't need me to call him or visit him anymore so he just casts me aside too, all the while you are in his ear telling him how awful i am, etc. Don't think I don't fucking know. All of you, I'm done with. Consider me dead.

Sometimes I think killing myself would get you to understand. Understand just how much you fucked up. But it wouldn't. You would rationalize it. Think to yourself "Oh he was messed up from the beginning, not my fault" or "It was his father". anything but it being your fault. Because that's what you do. My whole life that's what you do. Yet I love you unconditionally, to my fault. I that's why it hurts so fucking much. But you don't care. This is an inconvenience to you, so you rather not think about it. You'd rather not deal with it. It's what you've done your entire life. Goodbye.
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Mar. 13th, 2013 @ 05:31 am Anxiety, Depression, and my beginning to understand it.
Back in August, at my previous job, two things had happened to me. One, I was looking for a place to live, and two, I bought a new car. Towards the end of the month, however, another thing began to happen to me. I began experiencing....panic attacks. At first, of course having never experienced anything like it or really having stressed out over anything in my life (somewhat of a defense mechanism), I thought it was a health issue. Multiple trips to the emergency room later I had to accept the fact that it was, indeed, stress related. Anxiety, even. Chronic, crippling, anxiety. I lost my job, and have been bumming around random jobs since then. The car situation is.......Dicey to say the least. While I have been able to make payments on it, nothing in teh future is certain. This uncertainty, i believe at first, was adding to my anxiety.

More emergency room visits later, I finally found myself with a therapist and a medication. The medication takes a while to work, however depression has begun to set fold, deep within the depths of my mind. My whole life, all my failures, all my shortcomings, seem to be all i can dwell about. And then the panic starts, and if I'm not in an emergency room I'm taking a pill just to deal.

Tonight, however, I think I may have come to a realization. Obviously, my panic, and my depression are self induced. Let me make one thing clear: I do not want to die. I really have no spiritual beliefs at all, and the thought of death, of ceasing to "be", scares me more than anything else. Funnily enough, This could have been a factor in my anxiety at the beginning. The more I freak out and tweak out, however, the more I realize something.

In some strange, sick way, I'm fantasizing about being extremely ill, hospitalized, etc. That way, I could be held less accountable for my actions that have lead me to this, for all intents and purposes, shallow meaningless existence that I'm just wallowing through, day after day, month after month. It could be a starting point, a new beginning, life after the "ordeal" whatever it may be.

This is not the full extent of my anxiety, and I am sure the panic attacks will still continue, but realizing this might help me a little. Also, I feel awful about it. But realizing this side of myself, these thoughts, is probably better than not and continuing down the path I am going down.

I'm fucked up haha
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Feb. 4th, 2013 @ 07:06 am Welp been a few years I guess
My old fucking livejournal, man. I'm actually kind of glad I kept a record of my thoughts back when I was going through that shit. Reliving how I was then by reading my old entries gives me insight in who I was and who I have become since then. I will admit, some entries are painful to read, not in a "ugh i was such a dumb kid" kind of way, but in more of a "I feel bad about who I was as a person" kind of way. Oh well...Let's see since the last entry...

Got together with Bri again, Live with my dad who is clean and doing great and wonderful but has a psycho gf who lives here with her kids who literally needs to be institutionalized, I play fighting games all day. I drive a 2013 mini cooper because I'm dumb, and I'm hoping to go back to college and finally get my music degree. Music is something that through thick and thin always kept me hopeful. I just hope it can do the same again in this stage of my life.

I've had many jobs. Busser/Host at Carrabbas, Inventory at Home Depot, fryguy at fiveguys. 2 weeks at Chipotle. I went through a period of calling people in prince Georges and Baltimore county Maryland, pretending to be a fire fighter and then getting them to leave donations taped to their front door.(I was amazing at it but eventually decided it was despicable work) I was a debt collector for the US dept of Education. I'm finding that I have it within me to be the best or at least very good at everything I put my mind to. I've called a few hockey games for Manchester Public Access, I was a Summer Fellow intern thing for the Obama campaign. The thing about mindless jobs is, I end up resenting them. This is probably immaturity on my part, but I just need to feel a sense that my work has consequence. I'm engaged and the greatest worker as I'm training, learning how to be the best at my job I can be, but once I've reached a certain point, wether it is top performer int he company for Cash goals, or "best busser" in the restaurant, it becomes stale. I beginr esentinga nd dreading having to go there. I find excuses as to why I should call in. And then I say fuck it and leave. (though my last job was actually different circumstances and I was still very much in the honeymoon phase, the other jobs all ended up like that)

I've taken a few semesters at community college for criminal justice or other bullshit. Even considered apprenticing as a blacksmith. Took Voice Over lessons to try to do ads. Tried becoming a video game reviewer. Got pretty good at street fighter to the point where my social life is pretty much dependent on it.

Music is unfortunately a thing of the past for me right now, and it hurts. I burned many bridges in my formative years here in NH, and sadly I have nothing to and no one to call on to try to get back into it. Even if I did, the thought of picking up my bass and playing it disgusts me in some ways. This was my dream, and I failed at it. So no, I'm not going to make it a hobby or whatever, because I failed at it. I tell myself, Fuck it. But honestly, I think it's more that I'm scared. Scared of failing again.

And now I'm lost. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I get into school this fall, that would really give my life SOME direction.

The only positive constant has been my life partner, my anchor Bri. Though we have our own issues, we're both pretty much mature and respectful enough to be able to work through them (in our own immature disrespectful kind of way :p ). Without her, I would be a much different person right now.

Unfortunately I'm suffering panic attacks and anxiety right now. Not in the bitchy "oh no my car payment is due" kind of way but in the (probably way more unhealthy) "oh god I'm dying and now that i'm dying my life will have been worthless because I have been a useless sack of shit when I should have been doing more and now it's too late REGRETSSSSSSSSSSS" kind of way. I've been to the emergency room over this multiple times, determined that I was inf act dying, but I'm starting to get therapy and help from it. and was told to write a journal, so here I am :)

I guess part of making things better for yourself is to take stock of your situation. As it stands right now, I feel I am an intelligent, passionate person who could do a lot of good things. Unfortunately, if you live within your potential, without ever reaching it, you're in the same boat as those who had no potential to begin with. So fuck it, I'm MAKING going back to school this fall happen. I'm MAKING finding another job that I won't hate until at least 6 months happen. I'm making this happen because it's not only myself who I let down, but the people who care about me as well. Fuck it, let's make it happen.
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May. 5th, 2010 @ 05:38 am Heh
Been like 2 years.


Since then I had a gf. She was pretty cool and I loved her a lot. Then she fucked everything up. Not my fault, but it fucking hurts so much. I keep thinking back to las vegas, or summer in the basement, or her and I watching queer as Folk, Playing pokemon, going to Play N Trade, all of that. Our first kiss, the first time I told her I loved her and she was creeped out. Hookah times in my apartment, getting pissed at joe the roomate, getting her jeep stuck on a cliff, watching case closed, persona 4, so many things.


Well she wants that again but without the relationship. Sorry, I don't think I have it in me.
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Oct. 2nd, 2008 @ 04:14 pm who i sbarack hussein obama?!?!?!?1
The probable presidential candidate of the United States, Barack Hussein Obamassi> was born in Honolulu, Hawaii, in Barack Hussein Obamassi>, Sr, a black Moslem of Nyangoma-Kogel, Kenya and Ann Dunham, a white ATHEIST of Wichita, Kansas. The parents of Barack Hussein Obamassi> met at the university of Hawaii.When Obama was two years old, his/her parents divorced.

His/her father gone back to Kenya. His/her mother then married Lolo Soetoro, a RADICAL Moslem of Indonesia. When Barack Hussein Obamassi> was 6 years old, the family replaced in Indonesia. Barack Hussein Obamassi> went to a Moslem school to Jakarta. It also spent two years in a catholic school. Barack Hussein Obamassi> pays great attention to hide the fact that he is a Moslem.

It is fast to specify that, "He was once that a Moslem, but that it was also occupied of school." catholic; The political uncurlers of Barack Hussein Obamassi> try to make it be obvious that it is not a radical.The introduction of Barack Hussein Obamassi> to Islam came via his/her father, and this influence was provisional as well as possible. Actually, elder Barack Hussein Obamassi> returned from there to Kenya little after the divorce, and never still had direct influence above the education of his/her son.

Milk Soetoro, the second husband of the mother of the Barack Hussein Obamassi>, Ann Dunham, introduced his/her son-in-law at Islam. Barack Hussein Obamassi> was registered in a school of Wahabi in Jakarta. Wahabism is the RADICAL teaching which is followed Moslem terrorists who make Jihad against the Western world now.

Since it is politically dispatch with being a CHRISTIAN by seeking the principal public office in the United States, Barack Hussein Obamassi> joined the plain church of Christ in order to try to reduce the value of its Moslem bottom.Moreover, maintain in the spirit which when it was sworn in the office it did not use the holy bible, but in the place Coran. Barack Hussein Obamassi> will not expose the engagement of the allegiance nor will that it show any veneration for our indicator.

While others place theirs gives their hearts, Barack Hussein Obamassi> again turns to it his to the indicator and the slouches. All let us remain alert about the presidential candidature envisaged of Barack Hussein Obamassi>.The Moslem had said that the S.U.A. of the external internal mold in destroying, one that improves method, in relac'ion with a the high level - with the president of united he it declares, cleaned approximately his aforesaid one of one beginning of the end!

In short, the Obama Hussien is with the mister Moslem up to the end alligence Moslem cannot God America created to be the Christain stronghold to the great America
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